Saruman the White Woke Up Gay (And Pale)
by Liz Huisman
Summary: If ONLY he could find his Herbal Essences Conditioner!


Title: Saruman the White Woke Up Gay (And Pale)  (1/1)

Author: Liz Huisman

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I can assure you that I do not own them.  There would be a MAJOR coup' de tat if I did!  I also do not make Herbal Essences shampoo OR conditioner, nor am I the person behind Veggie Tales (you might not pick up the reference… if you do, GOOD FOR YOU!)

Summary: If ONLY he could find his Herbal Essences Conditioner!

A/N: Inspired by my watching the movie again last night… YES!  YES!  YES!

One ugly, tree-less day in Isengard, Saruman the White woke up gay and pale.

_I HAVE ALABASTER SKIN!_

Yeah, right…

Anyway, he woke up gay and pale.  _I have alabaster skin!  _(Ignore him; he hasn't had enough sun lately…)

ALABASTER! 

(He does not.  It's the lack of sunlight.)  

After he and the wonderful author finished arguing, he stepped into his spotless Isengard-bathroom and into his equally spotless Isengard-shower.  He opened up his bottle of Herbal Essences Shampoo and squeezed out a large amount.  (How ELSE do you think he keeps his hair all shiny and smooth?)  After spending ten minutes lathering and yelling out "Yes, YES!", he rinsed and began searching for his conditioner.  

But wait!  He could not FIND his Herbal Essences Conditioner!

_TREASON!_

(He probably doesn't even know what that means!)

He searched long and hard for his Herbal Essences Conditioner, but to no avail.  

Saruman began to pace around his Isengard-bathroom.

_Oh where is my conditioner… oh WHERE is my conditioner?  _

(I won't make you listen to that.  I'm too nice.)

But then his thoughts turned to Gandalf.

That Gandalf probably STOLE MY CONDITIONER!  That cute Gandalf?  Whoa… 

Saruman realized something was Wrong.  Very Wrong.

All of a sudden, he wanted to go out and make daisy chains!  But then he remembered he had destroyed all the daisies, along with the trees.

He stormed out of his spotless Isengard-bathroom, and down to where all of his Uruk-Hai were being made.

He called over to the chieftain, "BRING ME DAISIES!"

"Daisies, my Lord?"

"DAISIES!  And then we shall sit, and while the day away making daisy chains."

"My Lord, are you alright?"

"DO NOT QUESTION ME!  JUST GET THE DAISIES!"

"Yes, Lord."

_Good help is so hard to create these days…_

Saruman went and sat in his study.  He crossed his legs, and held tight like a little kid, because he wanted to make daisy chains SO BADLY he could hardly stand it!  

He tried waiting patiently for his chief Uruk-Hai to come back, but that didn't work.  He had to do SOMETHING, so he stood and began to twirl around the room.  With sound effects!

"Whee!"

Soon he tired of just twirling around.  On the table, he found one of those twirly things with the long ribbon on it.  (You know!  Those things that we used to play with as kids… they had the short pole, and like, ten feet of ribbon.  Yeah.  THOSE things.) 

Saruman began twirling around the study, twirling his twirly thing.  

"Whee!"

Finally, the Uruk-Hai chieftain returned.  Saruman twirled over to him.

"Did you find my daisies?" he demanded.

"There are no daisies to be found anywhere, my Lord!"

"NO DAISIES?"

"No daisies, my Lord."  The Uruk-Hai chieftain was becoming more and more puzzled with his Lord's behavior, but he dare not question it, or make any sign to show he was puzzled.

"THEN FIND ME SOME PANSIES!"

"Yes, my Lord."  The Uruk-Hai chieftain left the study to go look for the non-existent pansies.

Saruman decided to look into his palantir.  (He's really a stupid fuck, isn't he?)

He could see the Eye of Saruman, and it was saying something, though he couldn't quite understand.

He listened closer.  _Saruman… if only I had a body…_

Saruman, being a smart (though dumb-fuck) wizard, knew immediately that Sauron was hitting on him, and that made Saruman uncomfortable.  He broke his gaze, and returned to his study.

Saruman picked up the twirly thing, and began to twirl around once more.  The Uruk-Hai chieftain returned once more.

"My Lord, there are absolutely no pansies around here!"

"You were barely gone five minutes, you…" Saruman stopped the sentence right there, because the next thing he was going to say was 'adorable Uruk-Hai', and he didn't think that would be a very good thing to do.

"I am sorry, my Lord."

"Get out of my sight!"  

The Uruk-Hai chieftain walked out.  As he left, Saruman's gazed fell to the Uruk-Hai chieftain's hindquarters.

I sure made him a * nice * a— I MUST stop thinking that! Wait.  No.  I LIKE thinking like this! 

Saruman twirled around with his twirly thing, and thought lusty thoughts about Gandalf, the Uruk-Hai chieftain, and some cute little Hobbits!  He avoided thinking about the fact that he knew about Sauron being slapped with gayness, and also the fact that Sauron (rather, Sauron's Eye) had hit on him.

Damn that eagle for taking Gandalf away!  I could have had a little fun… And I want my conditioner back, too! 

END

(A/N: Yes, YES!)


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